Postpartum Half Marathon Preparation

I have been dreading my upcoming half marathon all week. There are several reasons why I have been having a mental melt-down in regards to this race. But I'm starting to work past the mental blocks and get excited to run tomorrow. This is a long one, and it is really just a place for me to get all my thoughts out and focus before tomorrow, so read it all, or don't. Hahaha!

First of all, I know how much I did NOT train for this. I started off missing a couple runs a week, and then got on track about half way through the training, but of course, the jump in was too much too quickly, so I ended up with the worst shin splints I have ever had in my left leg. I was in pain even when I was just sitting, and I was beginning to get scared that I had a stress fracture, but after rest, and a million self-care treatments at home, and a sports massage, I got the major knot in my left calf that was causing the shin splints worked out. At that point, I had already missed my two long runs, and it was time to taper. Yes, I realized you don't really need to taper when you aren't even running. But that was what happened... that was my training. My longest run was 8 miles about a month ago, but it was an amazing run, and I really enjoyed it, so I am trying to remember that.

Secondly, and the bigger issue for me, is that I had a baby. Sure I have flaked out on my training for the majority of my races... yeahhhh... I know, but I know that my body is different now. I absolutely do not have the body that I did before pregnancy, and I never will ever again. My body has been permanently changed. Some of that, I can rebuild, but the issue is that currently, my core is SHOT, shot, shot, and I have not rebuilt it even a little bit. Believe me... it is baaaaaaaaad. So I regret not working on the major issues I needed to in order to rebuild after pregnancy before running this race, so I know it is going to be so very difficult because long distance running is SO much easier with good core and leg strength.

I needed to turn this around. I needed to get the crazy-negative narrative out of my head if tomorrow was going to end with a half marathon finisher's medal around my neck. Here's what I know, my sister Grace told me when I very first started running, that I could do anything for 10 minutes, but I was in labor without a proper epidural, which is VERY much wanted, for 29 hours. I have a low pain tolerance, and I am not exaggerating when I say I thought I was going to die during that time. I just kept wishing I could die and be done with the pain if I was never going to see my baby anyway, which I didn't think I would because I was positive that I was going to die from the pain and exhaustion before he was born. Now my being in labor feeling every contraction while Huxley was stuck on my pelvic bone was the hardest thing I have ever endured physically, but there are tons of people who have gone through so much worse both physically and mentally. I did a short, slow shakeout today to get a feel for the pace I want to run the first 2-3 miles at tomorrow, and I thought about several people who have been through so much more, or have inspired me in one way or another over the time I have known them, so I am going to give a rundown of the 14 people who will each get a mile of my run tomorrow dedicated to them in my mind while I run.

Mile 1. Sheila- This woman is not just a survivor, but a FIGHTER. I wouldn't be surprised if her picture is in the dictionary. She makes a list when she runs races and dedicates the miles, so I'm stealing her idea, and I am hoping to steal a bit of her strength tomorrow as well. She truly is an inspiring human being.
Mile 2. Julie- Julie is my friend's mom, and honestly, I've never met her in person, but I have met each of her kids, and for that alone, I can tell you she is an awesome woman based off the kids she raised, but she is also a fighter, and has battled cancer more than once, and she still continues to fight. If she can fight cancer repeatedly and still be the rock for her kids that I know she is, then I can finish a half marathon.
Mile 3. Grace- My sister who got me into running gets mile 3, and I know that she will be cheering me on from KC. We have shared so much throughout our lives, and I am glad she convinced me that running could be one of those things we could share.
Mile 4. Matthew- My amazing and stunningly handsome husband. He gets mile 4. He is absolutely the most amazing man, and he supports and believes in me without hesitation even when I don't believe in myself. To him when I shared my concerns about this race, it was absurd that I was even questioning myself at all. He loves me even when I am not very loveable, and supports me in every step I take in life. My life is better and richer because of him.
Mile 5. Myself- I'm taking mile 5. My physical and mental health matter. I matter. As a woman and a mom, it is easy to put yourself aside and tell yourself you don't matter. I do matter, and I will continue to build myself up in order to take care of myself and to remind myself that I do matter.
Mile 6. Laura & Cara- My longest friend and her mom get to share mile 6. Cara has been on my mind at nearly every race I have run. When I feel tired, defeated, or winded, I think about her battle with Lung Cancer, and I remind myself that I am not in pain if I compare it to what she endured. My friend Laura has been my rock throughout some of the craziest times in my life, and she is always there to remind me that I am stronger than I think I am.
Mile 7, 8, & 9. Melody, Rachael, & Leslie- I asked my friends in January if they wanted to sign up for a race to help hold me accountable in my training, and they jumped in for the challenge. They have probably trained even better than I have, and I am so excited for each of them as they will run their first half marathon tomorrow.
Mile 10. My Grandma- My Grandma was the strongest person I will ever meet in my whole life, and I have not a single doubt about that. She survived so much hardship and heartache without letting a single bit of it pull her down or harden her heart at all. She never even questioned why any of it happened to her. I once asked her if she ever questioned why she went through so much in her life, and she said, " Why not me? I'm no different or better than anyone else. Why would I ever ask that? People have asked me that before, but why not me?" She truly was remarkable, and I watched her lose the ability to walk and talk at the end of her life. She still never asked, "why me?'
Mile 11. Diana- She is the sweetest little girl who is so full of life. She was my neighbor when we still lived in Pennsylvania. I met her officially for the first time when she choked a couple days before Thanksgiving a few years ago, and I thought there was no way she was going to live. She was limp in my arms and her face was an ashen blue. I kept trying to save her simply because I could not look her parents in the face and tell them their precious tiny daughter was dead, so in my mind I thought, "I have to just keep trying until the paramedics get here, and they can tell them she's gone." Just before the paramedics walked in, I was able to get the object dislodged, and she gasped for air. She was fine. There was no long term damage, and I think of her every day. She is a reminder to me that our lives can be over at literally any second, and we need to make the most of whatever time we have. I am so beyond thankful that she was ok that day. I carry her in my heart everywhere I go ever since that day.
Mile 12. Erin- My friend Erin is another one of those amazing people who you meet in life, and she has such joy despite having endured challenges. Erin was hit by a car when she was running, and doctors weren't even sure if she'd be able to walk again. Erin not only can walk, but she is an amazing runner and an even more amazing human being.
Mile 13 & .1. Huxley- My baby boy. He is my whole heart. Huxley is truly my driving force in life now. I consider him in every single thing I do. Seriously, I first think of him and whatever it is he is doing before I even let myself go pee. Will it wake him if I go in the bathroom? Should I disturb him cuddling on my lap just because I feel like I'm going to pee my pants? Is he going to scream if he cant see me for a second? Every decision is made with him in mind. Being a parent does that to a person. He is also a driving force in wanting to better myself. I want to show him through example that it is important to work on yourself. I want him to know how empowering it is to set and meet goals. I want him to understand that doing things you love and pursuing your passion is important. I want so much for him in life, and running is one avenue I have to teach him several of the things I want to pass on to him. He is the best thing I have ever done with my life, so it is fitting that he gets 1.1 miles instead of just one.

Runner's Rambles: Here's what I've been up to!

It's been a minute since I posted a new blog post, right? Turns out being a mom, wife, grad student, friend, runner, and all the other positions I hold in life, takes up most of my time right now. I am fully back into the swing of running, and I love it. This is just going to be a major ramble and abbreviated catch-up because it's spring break, so I can take a little bit of the time I usually spend on homework after Huxley goes to bed to blog instead of evaluating some aspect of the current public educational system in the United States! While I find that fascinating as well, it is nice to blog about running for the first time in a long while.

My Current Training

I distinctly remember a woman from my hometown who is an amazing runner coming by the pool I worked at in high school and college to drop something off for her son who worked there as well, and she nonchalantly asked the group of lifeguards in the guardhouse if we ever wanted to run a half marathon with her. Her son told her somewhat annoyed that normal moms invite their kids' friends over for a barbecue, not to go run a half marathon. (Note to self: new future goal- be THAT runner mom.) 

I tell you this because several months ago I realized that I set a goal to run another marathon before I turn 30 when I finished my first marathon. When I realized I will turn 30 this year, I nonchalantly asked my friends, who are fairly in-shape, but not previously dedicated to running, if they would like to run a marathon with me. To my surprise, a few of them said yes.

Right now we are starting off slow and training for a half marathon that we will be running in a few weeks. I have run a 2 miler and a 5 miler so far this year, and though the 2 miler was part of what's called the Frostbite Series, it was actually MUCH colder at the St. Pat's 5 miler I just ran. My friends really are amazing for finding these other races for us to run and for training for and helping me stay accountable in my own training. 

My favorite training run so far was my 8 miler. I ran on a new (to me) paved trail, and I had an absolutely empowering run. I had one of those runs where I didn't know if I was ready for 8 miles when I set out, but I had a great time out running. I felt strong. I have been doing some real work to be a healthy mom, wife, human. I started to open up to family and friends right after Huxley was born, but I was quickly shut down with pretty judgmental and unsupportive comments when I started to talk about my postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. Lots of moms have the baby blues, and lots of new moms are anxious about the new role of being a mom and figuring out how to properly care for a tiny baby, but this is not the same; I had completely crippling breakdowns on a regular (read that daily at the beginning) basis, but I started getting professional help a couple months ago, and running is something that helps to remind me how strong I am. I can overcome so many things, and running helps remind me of that. It helps me connect with myself, with my inner strength, with nature, with God. Running also helps to remind me that so many things in this life are temporary. The temporary can be good and it can be bad, but I need to remember it either way. Pain is temporary, and I will make it to the other side if I just take it in stride. On the flip-side, I know that this life, my mobility, and my youth are all things that can be gone in the blink of an eye. Running helps me embrace the temporary nature of life. The 8 mile training run I did was one of those awesomely isolating yet supremely connecting runs. It filled me with hope, joy, anticipation, humility, gratitude, and drive. I am looking forward to continuing my training to build back up to where I was before I became pregnant, and after running with Huxley in the stroller pushing around 50+ extra pounds while running, I am pretty confident that over time I will be even stronger as a runner than I was before.

My Current Favorite Things

Run, Selfie, Repeat- RSR is a blog, podcast, social media, etc. platform about an average runner named Kelly Roberts. She lets us in on the craziness that is running and life. She is the founder of the #sportsbrasquad and her new(ish) podcast is amazing. I love it because she is down to Earth, and so honest about the struggles she had overcome in both running and life. She is so refreshing in the world of running for the everyday runner like myself.

Still I Run Community- Sasha Wolff is the founder of Still;Run Community to help battle the stigma against mental health. I actually started following her on Instagram before she created the community because I saw her awesome tattoo, and that was before I was diagnosed with PPD and PPA. I love this community because I know how easily people can dismiss a mental illness or judge people who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. I know because I experienced it firsthand. I am not someone who should dismissed or held at an arm's length just because I was diagnosed with PPA and PPD. I am not a bad mom or a bad wife because I have PPA or PPD. I am NOT weak or stupid because I sought out the help of mental health professionals. I may not have support from all my family or friends, but there is a community of complete strangers who are good, kind human beings who also happen to be runners who have fought similar battles to me, and I am thankful for an opportunity to connect with others who want to ensure we end the stigma of mental illness. 

My Current Mantra- She Who Dares. This is my current mantra because it reminds me to be a daring woman. It reminds me to be an example to my son and to those around me to dare to be myself. It reminds me to dare to push myself beyond my comfort zone. It reminds me to dare to set big goals and push toward them. It reminds me to dare to be strong in the face of adversity. It reminds me to dare to be empowered. 

Stroller Running- It's been unseasonably warm, and my favorite kind of running lately is stroller running. It is difficult. It really is. If you have ever seen someone out making stroller running look easy, just realize now that it isn't, and that person is in really good shape. They are pushing extra weight, lacking arm swing on one side, and still keeping up a decent pace. (Not me. I'm so slow with the stroller right now, but those people you see making it look easy are keeping a decent pace, I'm sure.) Huxley loves going out for runs, and I am really enjoying being able to take him out with me. I am excited at the prospect of getting stronger as a runner and getting better so that I can go faster, I can take him out longer, and I can be an example for him. It's something for just me and him. I'm looking forward to the days when he will be old enough to ask me to take him with me on my runs. I'm sure when that happens there will be times when I wish he didn't want to go, but for now, I'm looking forward to it. He's pretty awesome, and being his mom is the best gig I've ever had, so being able to share this with him is pretty amazing even if my actual running with him is less than impressive at this point in time. My strength is building with each run though, and I love it!

Compression Socks- My favorite brand currently is Mojo because the quality is pretty good, and the price can't be beat. Literally. I have not found a cheaper sport compression sock. I got them off Amazon for like 12 bucks. For real. Now why am I wearing compression socks you ask? Well, you see, I had a baby last summer. And when I was pregnant, I developed a pretty bad varicose vein that I will now carry around with me for the rest of my life. Varicose veins can be downright uncomfortable, and especially so when running. Compression socks help. So now I'm that slow runner decked out in compression socks even on a short run, and if you see me, then don't judge me thinking to yourself, "really? you need compression socks chubby, slow, lady barely even going for a run?" because YES. YES, I DO. Because I have a freaking uncomfortable varicose vein, so yeah. Leave me alone. I'm not under some allusion that I am fast or that the socks will make me fast or anything like that. I just need them for my Mother Runner varicose vein-y legs! Ok? Thanks. Hahaha

Runner's Rambles: That's Life

There's been so much going on in my life lately. I have been getting settled into my new home, becoming a legal resident of the state of Missouri again, landing a new job, gearing up for grad school, driving all the way across the state and then some to go home to see family pretty much every weekend because it is hard to say no when you technically can go home and there are all kinds of things going on, and running in between all those things.

State of Training Address: I have made very very slow, but steady progress. Progress is really what it is all about though, and I am beginning to feel like my right foot may really be on the mend from the Turf Toe Debacle of Summer 2k15. I hurt it not long after we got to Missouri, and the healing process has also been very very slow, but steady so it seems. I'm sure all the hill running hasn't been the best for it, but I live on a hill. What can I do? Well, I could technically run on my treadmill, but what fun is that? I am thankful that the in-laws gave us their old treadmill, but I am going to do my best to stay off of it until the winter. I did go through about a week long spell where I would run on it in the middle of the day, but the scenery in my basement got old fast. I am glad to have my race bling and bibs finally displayed though! The two upcoming items on my training agenda are a 5k to spark the start of my true training for the Kansas City Half Marathon and adding speed work to my training schedule. I will attempt to keep the blog updated more frequently, but they always say life never gets easier!

Words of Wisdom: On my run tonight, a middle aged woman leaned out the passenger side of her best friend's ride trying to holler at me. (See what I did there? Some of you will get it.) But in all seriousness, this actually happened. I am not sure if she was actually sincerely trying to cheer me on, or if she was the world's biggest jerk, but I am going to pretend she was truly trying to cheer me on. You see, the part that makes this tricky is that she referred to me as "Big Girl." She yelled, "You get it, Big Girl!" Now, she may have very well meant that as a compliment, but being as I currently weigh far more than I ever have in my whole life, and my new Missouri license honest to God, right hand to Heaven makes me look like Momma June's sister, it took all I had to plaster the biggest smile on my face and wave a giant wave as she drove off. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry a little. I was annoyed. If I can offer any advice, it would be to just leave runners alone. Even if you think you are cheering someone on, they may not know what you are saying or if you are sincere, and you could do more damage than good. If you want to cheer on runners, then make a sign and go watch a race.

This is only a SMALL portion of a giant lily garden that I found
on my run tonight. This beats my basement any day!

True Chronicles of a Bad Luck Runner 2.0

I've done a post by the same name in the past, but it seems that it is time for another installment. I may be one of the most unlucky runners out there, and quite possibly being fairly clumsy and a bit crazy may have something to do with that as well. You see, I might be the only person to get bursitis in my ELBOW from running. Now I suppose I should tell you the story because it will make more sense, but seriously, I just want it gone.

I have trauma induced septic olecranon bursitis. Pretty straightforward really. Bursitis in my elbow from a trauma (falling like an idiot) that is infected... I'm not entirely sure how the infection happened since I have no open wounds or anything, but nonetheless, I am on some aggressive antibiotics and anti-inflammatory pain medications. And it's a good thing I didn't tell the nurses and doctors the full back story on the whole thing because they already thought I was an idiot for waiting 10 days after the initial fall to go to the doctor. To be fair, I went to the doctor when it really flared up and became painful...it didn't hurt all that bad until 10 days after the fall... thus my waiting 10 days. Geez, people.

There's the culprit!

So how did it happen? Well, you see... First you have to understand... gahhh. I am dumb. That's basically what you need to understand. I am a lot of fun though! My husband is so lucky that he gets to live with me really. I decided to do some hill climber sprints. If you don't know what a hill climber is, then do a quick Google search. And a hill climber sprint is just where you use something to put your hands on so that you can move across the floor as you do the hill climbers. I just happened to try doing this in our tiny temporary living apartment using a hot pad on our essentially concrete floors. Yes, that's right; I'm an idiot. Matt looked at me, and said, "Don't do that." Without missing a beat, I ran across the length of the apartment, and fell over onto my elbow when I got to the end and realized I couldn't stop, and I was about to hit the wall. Oh, the look on his face as he stood over me as I half writhed on the floor in pain and half laughed. Priceless really.

Run when you can, walk if you must,
crawl when you have to;
just never give up. -Dean K.

I am not really supposed to be running until the pain and swelling subside. It's been 4 days of torture. I am supposed to be doing some pre-training training. Yes, I am training to train. I have some big goals for myself this summer and fall, so I need to start getting ready for that fall race goal now. Only I can't run, so I have been bummed. I decided to go for a walk on Sunday and I went out again tonight. If I can't run, then I will walk. There are some people who don't have the good fortune to be able to do that! And even worse, there are people who are able to do so and choose not to! I have big goals, yes, but life is really about the little things. I have been reminded of that lately. I often spend time thinking of or talking to my grandma when I run, and I have always been a bit of frantic person. I can remember my grandma frequently telling me just to calm down. "Don't make such a fuss." "It's fine," she'd say. She was a wise woman.

Don't make such a fuss. Life's about the small things.


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Runner's Rambles: Super (weird) Sunday

I'm not usually at a loss for words. I talk about running all day long, but I have found myself at a loss for words. I have had trouble getting myself out for all my weekly training runs since stopping the streak. It's hard to convince myself to run in snowy or cold weather without the motivation of the streak, but the weather was gorgeously spring-like this weekend, and I got in two solid runs. I did a four miler on Saturday and a slow but steady 7 miler on Sunday. So, where do I start?Let's start with the strange, and then move toward the revelations.

I was at 6.90 miles as I neared my apartment, so in order to finish a full seven miles on Sunday, I had the choice to run a tenth of a mile in the parking lot at my apartment, or I could run up the hill next door to the apartment complex. I opted for the hill since I know that I have multiple hilly races this spring. Well, some old man was crazily flailing, yet sprinting down the sidewalk on the hill, which forced me into a pretty busy street. I was a bit perturbed, but I finished the seven miles and turned around to walk back to my apartment.

When I was walking through the parking lot to my building, the old man ran up to me! He told me his name, and the clubs he runs with, and his occupation, and a million other things all while running in small circles around me and creating a moving barrier between me and my apartment building. I couldn't really get him to realize that I wasn't interested, and he kept asking me to run with him sometime. I said, "sure...sometime...I'll probably see you around," in a voice that was meant to just brush him off, but he just kept running back and forth in front of me blocking my path to the building. He wouldn't take no for an answer, and he asked for my phone number, which I didn't give to him. I ended up giving him my email to get him to leave me alone. So here I am thinking that it is crazy to just go up to a stranger and ask to run with them. On the other hand, I'm sure he's a nice person, but I am not sure how to proceed from here. Honestly, I don't really run with other people. AND I don't know this person!!! Why do weird things always happen to me?

Ok, so I have come up with a new strategy for pushing through hills or keeping my pace up near the end of a run. I know that I look like a crazy person when I run, and I have referred to it in my blog before as the psycho factor. It's true. So when I started to feel the crazy creeping up on my face yesterday on a steep hill, I dug deep for my yoga deep breathing and focused on relaxing my face. I noticed that if I relaxed my face and breathing, then I could push myself further. I'm going to keep testing it out, but I am really thinking I'm on to something here! Then again, maybe if I looked a bit crazier at the end of my run, then I wouldn't have had a stranger trying to talk to me.