Saturday, April 8, 2017

Postpartum Half Marathon Preparation

I have been dreading my upcoming half marathon all week. There are several reasons why I have been having a mental melt-down in regards to this race. But I'm starting to work past the mental blocks and get excited to run tomorrow. This is a long one, and it is really just a place for me to get all my thoughts out and focus before tomorrow, so read it all, or don't. Hahaha!

First of all, I know how much I did NOT train for this. I started off missing a couple runs a week, and then got on track about half way through the training, but of course, the jump in was too much too quickly, so I ended up with the worst shin splints I have ever had in my left leg. I was in pain even when I was just sitting, and I was beginning to get scared that I had a stress fracture, but after rest, and a million self-care treatments at home, and a sports massage, I got the major knot in my left calf that was causing the shin splints worked out. At that point, I had already missed my two long runs, and it was time to taper. Yes, I realized you don't really need to taper when you aren't even running. But that was what happened... that was my training. My longest run was 8 miles about a month ago, but it was an amazing run, and I really enjoyed it, so I am trying to remember that.

Secondly, and the bigger issue for me, is that I had a baby. Sure I have flaked out on my training for the majority of my races... yeahhhh... I know, but I know that my body is different now. I absolutely do not have the body that I did before pregnancy, and I never will ever again. My body has been permanently changed. Some of that, I can rebuild, but the issue is that currently, my core is SHOT, shot, shot, and I have not rebuilt it even a little bit. Believe me... it is baaaaaaaaad. So I regret not working on the major issues I needed to in order to rebuild after pregnancy before running this race, so I know it is going to be so very difficult because long distance running is SO much easier with good core and leg strength.

I needed to turn this around. I needed to get the crazy-negative narrative out of my head if tomorrow was going to end with a half marathon finisher's medal around my neck. Here's what I know, my sister Grace told me when I very first started running, that I could do anything for 10 minutes, but I was in labor without a proper epidural, which is VERY much wanted, for 29 hours. I have a low pain tolerance, and I am not exaggerating when I say I thought I was going to die during that time. I just kept wishing I could die and be done with the pain if I was never going to see my baby anyway, which I didn't think I would because I was positive that I was going to die from the pain and exhaustion before he was born. Now my being in labor feeling every contraction while Huxley was stuck on my pelvic bone was the hardest thing I have ever endured physically, but there are tons of people who have gone through so much worse both physically and mentally. I did a short, slow shakeout today to get a feel for the pace I want to run the first 2-3 miles at tomorrow, and I thought about several people who have been through so much more, or have inspired me in one way or another over the time I have known them, so I am going to give a rundown of the 14 people who will each get a mile of my run tomorrow dedicated to them in my mind while I run.

Mile 1. Sheila- This woman is not just a survivor, but a FIGHTER. I wouldn't be surprised if her picture is in the dictionary. She makes a list when she runs races and dedicates the miles, so I'm stealing her idea, and I am hoping to steal a bit of her strength tomorrow as well. She truly is an inspiring human being.
Mile 2. Julie- Julie is my friend's mom, and honestly, I've never met her in person, but I have met each of her kids, and for that alone, I can tell you she is an awesome woman based off the kids she raised, but she is also a fighter, and has battled cancer more than once, and she still continues to fight. If she can fight cancer repeatedly and still be the rock for her kids that I know she is, then I can finish a half marathon.
Mile 3. Grace- My sister who got me into running gets mile 3, and I know that she will be cheering me on from KC. We have shared so much throughout our lives, and I am glad she convinced me that running could be one of those things we could share.
Mile 4. Matthew- My amazing and stunningly handsome husband. He gets mile 4. He is absolutely the most amazing man, and he supports and believes in me without hesitation even when I don't believe in myself. To him when I shared my concerns about this race, it was absurd that I was even questioning myself at all. He loves me even when I am not very loveable, and supports me in every step I take in life. My life is better and richer because of him.
Mile 5. Myself- I'm taking mile 5. My physical and mental health matter. I matter. As a woman and a mom, it is easy to put yourself aside and tell yourself you don't matter. I do matter, and I will continue to build myself up in order to take care of myself and to remind myself that I do matter.
Mile 6. Laura & Cara- My longest friend and her mom get to share mile 6. Cara has been on my mind at nearly every race I have run. When I feel tired, defeated, or winded, I think about her battle with Lung Cancer, and I remind myself that I am not in pain if I compare it to what she endured. My friend Laura has been my rock throughout some of the craziest times in my life, and she is always there to remind me that I am stronger than I think I am.
Mile 7, 8, & 9. Melody, Rachael, & Leslie- I asked my friends in January if they wanted to sign up for a race to help hold me accountable in my training, and they jumped in for the challenge. They have probably trained even better than I have, and I am so excited for each of them as they will run their first half marathon tomorrow.
Mile 10. My Grandma- My Grandma was the strongest person I will ever meet in my whole life, and I have not a single doubt about that. She survived so much hardship and heartache without letting a single bit of it pull her down or harden her heart at all. She never even questioned why any of it happened to her. I once asked her if she ever questioned why she went through so much in her life, and she said, " Why not me? I'm no different or better than anyone else. Why would I ever ask that? People have asked me that before, but why not me?" She truly was remarkable, and I watched her lose the ability to walk and talk at the end of her life. She still never asked, "why me?'
Mile 11. Diana- She is the sweetest little girl who is so full of life. She was my neighbor when we still lived in Pennsylvania. I met her officially for the first time when she choked a couple days before Thanksgiving a few years ago, and I thought there was no way she was going to live. She was limp in my arms and her face was an ashen blue. I kept trying to save her simply because I could not look her parents in the face and tell them their precious tiny daughter was dead, so in my mind I thought, "I have to just keep trying until the paramedics get here, and they can tell them she's gone." Just before the paramedics walked in, I was able to get the object dislodged, and she gasped for air. She was fine. There was no long term damage, and I think of her every day. She is a reminder to me that our lives can be over at literally any second, and we need to make the most of whatever time we have. I am so beyond thankful that she was ok that day. I carry her in my heart everywhere I go ever since that day.
Mile 12. Erin- My friend Erin is another one of those amazing people who you meet in life, and she has such joy despite having endured challenges. Erin was hit by a car when she was running, and doctors weren't even sure if she'd be able to walk again. Erin not only can walk, but she is an amazing runner and an even more amazing human being.
Mile 13 & .1. Huxley- My baby boy. He is my whole heart. Huxley is truly my driving force in life now. I consider him in every single thing I do. Seriously, I first think of him and whatever it is he is doing before I even let myself go pee. Will it wake him if I go in the bathroom? Should I disturb him cuddling on my lap just because I feel like I'm going to pee my pants? Is he going to scream if he cant see me for a second? Every decision is made with him in mind. Being a parent does that to a person. He is also a driving force in wanting to better myself. I want to show him through example that it is important to work on yourself. I want him to know how empowering it is to set and meet goals. I want him to understand that doing things you love and pursuing your passion is important. I want so much for him in life, and running is one avenue I have to teach him several of the things I want to pass on to him. He is the best thing I have ever done with my life, so it is fitting that he gets 1.1 miles instead of just one.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Michelle!
    My name is Annie O'Sullivan and I am on the editorial staff here at Runner's World magazine. I thought this was the best place to reach out since I didn't have an email for you! For our October print edition, we are working on a story about the best running tattoos and their meanings, and may possibly be looking to include yours. I was reaching out to ask you some questions about your tattoo.

    Once again, I just want to let you know that it isn't confirmed we would be using you in the story (just because things change and I can't confirm that), but we are definitely interested in exploring the possibility! If you are interested, please email me back at! I hope to hear from you soon!
    Have a great day!
    Annie O'Sullivan