Although I haven't been to the gym this whole week as I started my new job, I have been going to walk at the local high school track in the evenings after dinner. Each night brought different internal battles. Away from the white noise of the gym, my mind was able to tear me down and build me up. I was dragged down by the thought that I was so weak because all I was doing was pitifully walking laps when I have completed two half marathons! I should be able to run! I could, but the truth is that I just didn't make myself do it. And there is also the truth that brisk walking is also a good activity for me to engage in, even if my inner-self was telling me that I was a failure.
I decided during my walk last night to pick up the pace. I was provoked to start jogging after my first mile when Garth Brooks' "Callin Baton Rouge" came on my ipod. As Garth belts, "Hello, Samantha dear, I hope you're feeling fine," who isn't filled with a surge of energy? Come on, people! I am not myself a country fan per say, but I was raised in a rural community, so it has a bit of a nostalgic spark for me. I started thinking about so many things as I ran. I thought about my Grandmother who is one of my favorite people in the whole world, and how she is dying from ALS, which is a terrible disease that robs its sufferers of the ability to walk, stand, move, and eventually the ability to breathe. I felt a sense of shame for all the times I have taken those simple, yet beautiful, life-sustaining actions for granted. I thought about how shameful it is to let that little voice inside tell me who I am or who I am going to be. I cannot let that voice, or the voices of nay-sayers define me.
I am on a mission. I have decided to make myself the person I want to be. I can't let anyone or anything stop me because I don't know how much time I have left to utilize the body I have been given, but when that time is up, I would like to know that I have truly given it everything I've got. I know that this is going to be a very difficult path, but I will take it a day at a time. I want to reach the point where those who know me will have words like healthy, fit, strong, and athletic at the tops of their lists. It is time for me to push.